User:Dan Castellaneta: Difference between revisions

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:'''Bart''': Dad, when did you record an album?
Nothing to see here.
:'''Homer''': I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.
:'''Bart''': Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.
:''[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]''
:'''Bart''': No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!
:''[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]''
:'''Bart''': What're we all laughing about?
:'''Homer''': Who cares?
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:''[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a [[w:polygraph|lie detector]].]''
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Eddie]]''': Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': No. ''[buzz, red light]'' All right, maybe I did.  But I didn't shoot him! ''[ding, green light]''
:'''Eddie''': Checks out.  Okay, sir, you're free to go.
:'''Moe''': Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. ''[buzz]'' A date. ''[buzz]'' Dinner with friends. ''[buzz]'' Dinner alone. ''[buzz]'' Watching TV alone. ''[buzz]'' All right!  I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! ''[buzz]'' Sears catalog. ''[ding]'' Now, would you unhook this already, please?!  I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! ''[buzz]''
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:''[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]''
:'''Homer''': Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
:'''Marge''': Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
:'''Homer''': D'oh!
:'''Homer''': Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.
:'''Marge''': When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
:'''Homer''': D'oh, d'oh!
:''[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! ''[no reaction]'' What about Grandpa?
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:'''Kent Brockman''': This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. ''(closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie)'' His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. ''[in the TV studio]'' Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.
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:'''Moe''': ''[to Homer]'' And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
:'''Homer''': "It's Raining Men"?!
:'''Moe''': Yeah, not no more, it ain't. ''[throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]''
:'''Smithers''': Ow! ''[looks at the record]'' Ohhh.
:'''Homer''': Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!
:''[starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]''
:'''Mr. Burns''': Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
:''[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing]''
:'''Carl''': Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!
:'''Lenny''': He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
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:'''Homer''': Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
:'''Chief Wiggum''': ''[driving by]'' Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
:'''Homer''': ''[thinking about his new job]'' Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
:'''Apu''': Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.
:'''Homer''': ''[still oblivious]'' It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
:''[Moe's Tavern]''
:'''Moe''': Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.
:'''Homer''': ''[confused]'' This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
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:'''Homer''': ''[barges door]'' Man, it's windy as hell out there! ''[notices baby shower]'' Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, ''[examines a piece of baby clothes]'' with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. ''[little oblivious]'' Well... I'll be in the tub. ''[walks upstairs]''
:'''Maude Flanders''': By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
:'''Homer''': New job..? ''Marge is pregnant?! [snap one hair off] NO! ''[laughs hysterically]'' ''[runs upstairs]
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:'''Homer''': Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
:''[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]''
:'''Marge''': Bart, let your father tell the story!
:'''Homer''': Yeah!
:'''Bart''': Okay, but I know funny.
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:''[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]''
:'''Homer''': Of course!
:''[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]''
:'''Homer''': Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
:'''Lisa''': ''[in the present]'' Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
:'''Marge''': That's what really happened.
:'''Lisa''': Oh.
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:''[At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.]''
:'''[[w:Joe Quimby|Mayor Quimby]]''': This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.
:'''Nurse''': Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
:'''Mayor Quimby''': My wife? Where? Where?! ''[runs off in a panic]''
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:''[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Awww, it's a boy. ''[looking down]'' And what a boy!
:'''[[w:Julius Hibbert|Dr. Hibbert]]''': Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.
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:''[Krusty is doing a lecture on clown pants]''
:'''Krusty''': Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. '''''BAGGY!'''''
:'''Homer''': Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.
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:''[Krusty is doing a lecture on balloons]''
:'''Krusty''': These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's ''that'' gonna cost ya? ''[to his accontant]'' Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?
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:'''Krusty the Clown''': Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
:''[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]''
:'''Homer''': ''[takes notes]'' Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.
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:'''Accountant''': Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it ''against'' the Harlem Globetrotters?
:'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty the Clown]]''': Ohh, I thought the Generals were due. ''[TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch]'' He spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball! ''[the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him]'' That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sakes.
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:''[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]''
:'''Ned Flanders''': Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?
:'''Homer''': I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.
:'''Ned''': Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- ''[Ned is shot, falls to the ground]'' Agghh! ''[gets back up]'' Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- ''[Ned is shot again]'' D'a-oh! ''[gets back up]'' Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. ''[runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]''
:'''Homer''': What keeps doing that? ''[to a limo]''
:'''Fat Tony''': I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab 'em.
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:''[Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts.]''
:'''Homer''': But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!
:'''[[w:Fat Tony|Fat Tony]]''': The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
:'''Homer''': Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Legs and Louie|Legs]]''': The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
:'''Homer''': Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... [[w:Joe Valachi|Joe Valachi]]!
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Legs and Louie|Louie]]''': The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
:''[While being lead into the mobsters club]''
:'''Homer''': [[w:Benedict Arnold|Benedict Arnold]]!
:'''Legs''': The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender [[w:West Point, New York|West Point]] to the hated British?
:'''Homer''': D'oh!
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:'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against threatening letters.
:'''Marge''': ''[indignantly]'' I'm pretty sure there is.
:'''Wiggum''': Hah!  The day I take cop lessons from [[w:Ma Kettle|Ma Kettle]]...
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Lou]]''': Hey, she's right, Chief. ''[shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. ''[camera pans to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch, laugh, and throw down change]'' Boys, knock it off! ''[the cops grumble and disperse while Eddie shakes the squirrels out of his pants]''
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:'''Chief Wiggum''': Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and ''[winks]'' legal.
:'''Homer''': Is that so? ''[yells out kitchen window]'' Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? ''[Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders]'' Heh-heh-heh-heh...
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.
:'''Ned''': Hidilly-hey!
:'''Homer''': Go home.
:'''Ned''': Toodledy-do!
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:'''Chief Wiggum''': Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.
:'''Sideshow Bob''': ''[furious]'' '''''By Lucifer's beard!'''''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
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:'''Man''': C'monn, leave town!
:'''Bob''': No.
:'''Man''': I'll be your friend?
:'''Bob''': No.
:'''Man''': Oh, you're mean!
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:'''Male NRC agent''': Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station. Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
:'''Homer''': What the hell are you talking about? What can I Do? What can I do? In the name of God, You've gotta tell me.
:'''Male NRC agent''': Relax, It's just a simulator. nothing can go wrong.
:'''Homer''': Just poke blindly on your controls until they let you go.
:''[Homer manages to cause a meltdown]''
:'''Male NRC agent''': No... No! This can't be Happening!
:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]''
:'''Smithers''': For the love of God, Sir there are two Seats! ''[Burns reopens the door]''
:'''Monty Burns''': I like to put my feet up.
:''[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Raargh! Must...destroy...mankind! ''[his watch beeps]'' Ooh, lunchtime. ''[Homer shakes off the radiation and heads off]''
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:'''Bart''': Take im away, boys.
:'''Wiggum''': Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake im away, toys.
:'''Lou''': What'd you say, chief?
:'''Wiggum''': Do what the kid says.
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:''[After being told that preparations have been done for his birthday]''
:'''Mr. Burns''': I won't get what I want.
:'''Smithers''': No one does.
:''[Smithers imagines Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake waring only a sash, a la [[Marilyn Monroe]].]''
:'''Fantsy Mr. Burns''': ''[singing]'' Happy birthday mister Smithers.
:'''Smithers''': MMMM..
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:''[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]''
:'''Homer''': Are you ready to to laugh?
:'''Man in Audience''': Ugh, that poor dog.
:'''Homer''': I said, are you ready to laugh?!
:'''Woman in Audience''': Quiet, you awful man!
:'''Homer''': You know, Mr. Burns is ''so'' cheap--
:'''Mr. Burns''': What?
:'''Homer''': Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so ''old''--
:'''Mr. Burns''': ''[pounds the table]'' How ''dare you''!
:'''Homer''': Woah! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... ''[clears throat]'' Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".
:''[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]''
:'''Homer:''' ''(mockingly)'' I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah ''blaaah!''
:'''Mr. Burns''': Destroy him. ''[one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious]'' This party is over. ''[the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]''
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:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]''
:'''Homer''': Mmmm... 64 slices of [[w:american cheese|american cheese]]. ''[sits at the table and begins eating one at a time]'' 64...63...''[Time passes to morning]'' 2...1.
:'''Marge''': ''[entering]'' Have you been up all night eating cheese?
:'''Homer''': I think I'm blind.
:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]''
:'''Mr. Burns''': Good day to you.
:''[They both leave]''
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:'''Barney The Dinosaur:''' Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.
:'''Homer:''' Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.
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:''[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]''
:'''Blue Demon''': So you like donuts, eh.
:'''Homer''': Uh-huh.
:'''Blue Demon''': Well have all the donuts in the world.
:''[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. Minutes later, it's revealed this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]''
:'''Homer''': More.
:'''Blue Demon''': I don't understand it. [[:w:James Coco|James Coco]] went mad in 15 minutes.
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:'''Lionel Hutz''': Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
:'''Homer''': We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.
:'''Lionel Hutz''': Three.
:'''Homer''': Two.
:'''Lionel Hutz''': Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.
:'''Homer''': Done.
:'''Lionel Hutz''' ''(to himself)'': Still got it!
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:'''[[w:Troy McClure|Troy McClure]]''': Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'
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:''[While looking for a peanut under the couch, Homer pulls out a 20 dollar bill]''
:'''Homer''': Awww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut.
:'''Homer's Brain''': Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
:'''Homer''': Explain how!
:'''Homer's Brain''': Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
:'''Homer''': Woo-hoo!
:''[Homer starts running to the door, slips on the peanut he was looking for, and drops the money]''
:'''Homer''': D'OH!
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:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''[to Bart]'' And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''[breaking a lamp]'' D'oh!
:'''Bart''': Ay, caramba!
:'''Marge''': ''[groans]''
:'''[[w:Maggie Simpson|Maggie]]''': ''[sucks her pacifier]''
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': Hi-dilly-ho!
:'''[[w:Barney Gumble|Barney]]''': ''[belches]''
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Ha, ha!
:'''[[w:Mr. Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Excellent.
:''[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
:'''Lisa''': If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]
:'''Homer''': What kind of catchphrase is that?
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:''[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]''
:'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
:'''Company Agent''': Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
:'''Krusty''': ''[satisfied]'' I like, I like!
:'''Aide''': This just came in over the wires, Big K! ''[hands him a paper sheet]''
:'''Krusty''': ''[reading]'' "[[w:1984 Summer Olympics boycott|Soviet boycott]], U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
:'''Company Agent''': Let's see. ''[punches numbers into a calculator]'' You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. ''[Krusty sobs]''
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:'''TV Announcer''': Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
:'''Krusty''': ''[furious]'' You people are pigs!! ''[sobs]'' I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
:'''Homer''': ''[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers]'' I like those odds.
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:'''Pepi''': Your son Bart sounds very bad.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oh, he is.
:''[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]''
:'''Homer''': Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': [[w:The Public Enemy|''[picks up his grapefruit and hits Homer's face with it]'' Shut up!]]
:''[Back in reality.]''
:'''Homer''': Mmmm.... grapefruit.
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:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. ''[shot of Godzilla appears in the background.]'' Do we have a source on this?  Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys.  All right, we could use some names.  "I.P Freely"-- ''[realizes]''  Uh... grrr!
A page full of quotes. Don't judge.

Latest revision as of 16:26, 27 April 2015

Nothing to see here.