User:Dan Castellaneta

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]

Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.

Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

---

[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]

Homer: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer: D'oh!

[Wednesday]

Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.

Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer: D'oh, d'oh!

[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]

Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?

---

Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the TV studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.

---

Moe: [to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Homer: "It's Raining Men"?!

Moe: Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]

Smithers: Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.

Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

[starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]

Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing]

Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

---

Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum: [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer: [thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

[Kwik-E-Mart]

Apu: Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.

Homer: [still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

[Moe's Tavern]

Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

Homer: [confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

---

Homer: [barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]

Maude Flanders: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer: New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [snap one hair off] NO! [laughs hysterically] [runs upstairs]

---

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]

Marge: Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer: Yeah!

Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

---

[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]

Homer: Of course!

[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]

Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Lisa: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

Marge: That's what really happened.

Lisa: Oh.

---

[At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.]

Mayor Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Mayor Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

---

[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]

Homer: Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert: Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.

---

[Krusty is doing a lecture on clown pants]

Krusty: Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. BAGGY!

Homer: Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

---

[Krusty is doing a lecture on balloons]

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that gonna cost ya? [to his accontant] Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?

---

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]

Homer: [takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

---

Accountant: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?

Krusty the Clown: Ohh, I thought the Generals were due. [TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch] He spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball! [the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him] That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sakes.

---

[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]

Ned Flanders: Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?

Homer: I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.

Ned: Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]

Homer: What keeps doing that? [to a limo]

Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab 'em.

---

[Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts.]

Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!

Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!

Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

[While being lead into the mobsters club]

Homer: Benedict Arnold!

Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer: D'oh!

A page full of quotes. Don't judge.