Dan Castellaneta
Joined 28 March 2015
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:'''Bart''': Dad, when did you record an album? | |||
:'''Homer''': I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago. | |||
:'''Bart''': Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. | |||
:''[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]'' | |||
:'''Bart''': No really, I can't, it's a serious problem! | |||
:''[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]'' | |||
:'''Bart''': What're we all laughing about? | |||
:'''Homer''': Who cares? | |||
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:''[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a [[w:polygraph|lie detector]].]'' | :''[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a [[w:polygraph|lie detector]].]'' | ||
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Eddie]]''': Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? | :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Eddie]]''': Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? | ||
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:'''Legs''': The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender [[w:West Point, New York|West Point]] to the hated British? | :'''Legs''': The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender [[w:West Point, New York|West Point]] to the hated British? | ||
:'''Homer''': D'oh! | :'''Homer''': D'oh! | ||
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:'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against threatening letters. | |||
:'''Marge''': ''[indignantly]'' I'm pretty sure there is. | |||
:'''Wiggum''': Hah! The day I take cop lessons from [[w:Ma Kettle|Ma Kettle]]... | |||
:'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Lou]]''': Hey, she's right, Chief. ''[shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]'' | |||
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. ''[camera pans to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch, laugh, and throw down change]'' Boys, knock it off! ''[the cops grumble and disperse while Eddie shakes the squirrels out of his pants]'' | |||
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:'''Chief Wiggum''': Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and ''[winks]'' legal. | |||
:'''Homer''': Is that so? ''[yells out kitchen window]'' Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? ''[Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders]'' Heh-heh-heh-heh... | |||
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em. | |||
:'''Ned''': Hidilly-hey! | |||
:'''Homer''': Go home. | |||
:'''Ned''': Toodledy-do! | |||
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:'''Chief Wiggum''': Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest. | |||
:'''Sideshow Bob''': ''[furious]'' '''''By Lucifer's beard!''''' | |||
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel. | |||
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:'''Man''': C'monn, leave town! | |||
:'''Bob''': No. | |||
:'''Man''': I'll be your friend? | |||
:'''Bob''': No. | |||
:'''Man''': Oh, you're mean! | |||
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:'''Male NRC agent''': Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station. Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight. | |||
:'''Homer''': What the hell are you talking about? What can I Do? What can I do? In the name of God, You've gotta tell me. | |||
:'''Male NRC agent''': Relax, It's just a simulator. nothing can go wrong. | |||
:'''Homer''': Just poke blindly on your controls until they let you go. | |||
:''[Homer manages to cause a meltdown]'' | |||
:'''Male NRC agent''': No... No! This can't be Happening! | |||
:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]'' | |||
:'''Smithers''': For the love of God, Sir there are two Seats! ''[Burns reopens the door]'' | |||
:'''Monty Burns''': I like to put my feet up. | |||
:''[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]'' | |||
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Raargh! Must...destroy...mankind! ''[his watch beeps]'' Ooh, lunchtime. ''[Homer shakes off the radiation and heads off]'' | |||
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:'''Bart''': Take im away, boys. | |||
:'''Wiggum''': Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake im away, toys. | |||
:'''Lou''': What'd you say, chief? | |||
:'''Wiggum''': Do what the kid says. | |||
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:''[After being told that preparations have been done for his birthday]'' | |||
:'''Mr. Burns''': I won't get what I want. | |||
:'''Smithers''': No one does. | |||
:''[Smithers imagines Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake waring only a sash, a la [[Marilyn Monroe]].]'' | |||
:'''Fantsy Mr. Burns''': ''[singing]'' Happy birthday mister Smithers. | |||
:'''Smithers''': MMMM.. | |||
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:''[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': Are you ready to to laugh? | |||
:'''Man in Audience''': Ugh, that poor dog. | |||
:'''Homer''': I said, are you ready to laugh?! | |||
:'''Woman in Audience''': Quiet, you awful man! | |||
:'''Homer''': You know, Mr. Burns is ''so'' cheap-- | |||
:'''Mr. Burns''': What? | |||
:'''Homer''': Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so ''old''-- | |||
:'''Mr. Burns''': ''[pounds the table]'' How ''dare you''! | |||
:'''Homer''': Woah! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... ''[clears throat]'' Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky". | |||
:''[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]'' | |||
:'''Homer:''' ''(mockingly)'' I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah ''blaaah!'' | |||
:'''Mr. Burns''': Destroy him. ''[one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious]'' This party is over. ''[the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]'' | |||
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:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': Mmmm... 64 slices of [[w:american cheese|american cheese]]. ''[sits at the table and begins eating one at a time]'' 64...63...''[Time passes to morning]'' 2...1. | |||
:'''Marge''': ''[entering]'' Have you been up all night eating cheese? | |||
:'''Homer''': I think I'm blind. | |||
:''[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]'' | |||
:'''Mr. Burns''': Good day to you. | |||
:''[They both leave]'' | |||
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:'''Barney The Dinosaur:''' Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four. | |||
:'''Homer:''' Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular. | |||
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:''[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]'' | |||
:'''Blue Demon''': So you like donuts, eh. | |||
:'''Homer''': Uh-huh. | |||
:'''Blue Demon''': Well have all the donuts in the world. | |||
:''[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. Minutes later, it's revealed this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': More. | |||
:'''Blue Demon''': I don't understand it. [[:w:James Coco|James Coco]] went mad in 15 minutes. | |||
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:'''Lionel Hutz''': Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. | |||
:'''Homer''': We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. | |||
:'''Lionel Hutz''': Three. | |||
:'''Homer''': Two. | |||
:'''Lionel Hutz''': Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. | |||
:'''Homer''': Done. | |||
:'''Lionel Hutz''' ''(to himself)'': Still got it! | |||
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:'''[[w:Troy McClure|Troy McClure]]''': Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!' | |||
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:''[While looking for a peanut under the couch, Homer pulls out a 20 dollar bill]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': Awww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut. | |||
:'''Homer's Brain''': Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. | |||
:'''Homer''': Explain how! | |||
:'''Homer's Brain''': Money can be exchanged for goods and services. | |||
:'''Homer''': Woo-hoo! | |||
:''[Homer starts running to the door, slips on the peanut he was looking for, and drops the money]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': D'OH! | |||
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:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''[to Bart]'' And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. | |||
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''[breaking a lamp]'' D'oh! | |||
:'''Bart''': Ay, caramba! | |||
:'''Marge''': ''[groans]'' | |||
:'''[[w:Maggie Simpson|Maggie]]''': ''[sucks her pacifier]'' | |||
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': Hi-dilly-ho! | |||
:'''[[w:Barney Gumble|Barney]]''': ''[belches]'' | |||
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Ha, ha! | |||
:'''[[w:Mr. Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Excellent. | |||
:''[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.] | |||
:'''Lisa''': If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.] | |||
:'''Homer''': What kind of catchphrase is that? | |||
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:''[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]'' | |||
:'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me? | |||
:'''Company Agent''': Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose. | |||
:'''Krusty''': ''[satisfied]'' I like, I like! | |||
:'''Aide''': This just came in over the wires, Big K! ''[hands him a paper sheet]'' | |||
:'''Krusty''': ''[reading]'' "[[w:1984 Summer Olympics boycott|Soviet boycott]], U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway? | |||
:'''Company Agent''': Let's see. ''[punches numbers into a calculator]'' You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. ''[Krusty sobs]'' | |||
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:'''TV Announcer''': Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. | |||
:'''Krusty''': ''[furious]'' You people are pigs!! ''[sobs]'' I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger! | |||
:'''Homer''': ''[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers]'' I like those odds. | |||
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:'''Pepi''': Your son Bart sounds very bad. | |||
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oh, he is. | |||
:''[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': Son, I just want to say that I love you very much. | |||
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': [[w:The Public Enemy|''[picks up his grapefruit and hits Homer's face with it]'' Shut up!]] | |||
:''[Back in reality.]'' | |||
:'''Homer''': Mmmm.... grapefruit. | |||
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:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. ''[shot of Godzilla appears in the background.]'' Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"-- ''[realizes]'' Uh... grrr! | |||
A page full of quotes. Don't judge. | A page full of quotes. Don't judge. |